Hooters Riot

My mom and I had a discussion today.

Kathy: Do you like Ricky Martin?

Me: .....

Kathy: What, you don't like him?

Dad: Kath, teenage girls like him.

Kathy: Well I like him. I just watched a biography on him today

Let me now travel back in time: New Orleans, July, 2008. 10 teenagers sit shoulder to shoulder in a sticky and stuffy van after a day of mowing lawns. We vibrate to the lyrics of rapper Lil' Wheezy, bags of Flaming Hot Cheetos litter the floor. I drive. My co-crew leader Kelly beside me in shotgun. It is 90+ degrees outside and I have just turned off the heat in the van. A tactic I have employed in executing my mission: everyone must be in seat belt at all times.

(15 minutes earlier....)

Dan: Does everyone have their seat belts on?

Random teenage voices: Yes!!!

[I see Michael, seat beltless in the rear view mirror. Heat is turned to level 3 of 5]

Jamal: Mr. Dan, it's hot up in here! I got my seat belt on, turn off the heat, ya heard!

Dan: Michael, you got anything to say?

[Michael gets smacked on the side of his head by his peer Sean Paul. The sound of a seat belt clicks. Heat is replaced with Air Conditioning]

I, along with two crew leaders, led team Blues 2 in a national service camp where they performed lawn maintenance for disabled and elderly homeowners. Or homes abandoned since Hurricane Katrina.

Earlier, Kelly had brought a book to the work site consisting of life burning questions, that she had been asking the team throughout the day.

(see: "If you could do one thing before you die, what would it be?")

(see also: "If you could have dinner with any celebrity, Ricky Martin aside, who would it be?")

The team had spent roughly three weeks together at this point, and I felt I could let my adult guard down. Talk to them on their level. 'Clown them', as the kids say.

Dan: Okay, if you could take Miss Kelly on a date, where would you go?

Laughter and screams from the males on the team filled the air with teenage testosterone.

Dan: Keep this clean.

Kelly was very well respected by the team, and responses were actually quite mature. I remember things like: "I would take Ms. Kelly to a movie and bowling" or from the girls, "We would so shopping".

Dan: Okay, for the guys. If I were to take you on a guys night out... we'd go to Hooters!"

I don't even know. It just came out. And what followed happened all at once.

Kelly, sitting in shotgun, turned to me and mouthed silently "You've got to be fucking kidding me".

And then the van exploded. It was as if I had brought Taco Bell to a fat camp for kids trying to lose weight. "Yeah Mr. Dan, you da best!" Forearms pounded on the van ceiling, hands drummed on the seats, and I...I tried to mouth silently to Kelly that I was sorry. After which I immediately began trying to put the flames out.

Dan: Alright, relax, relax. It was just a joke.

But it was no good, the riot had begun. And it wasn't going to end until every Gordita Crunch was eaten. I flipped on the heat, Level 4 of 5.

After about thirty seconds the van quieted. Kelly, glaring at me like I just distributed Playboy's to the team, tried to gather her composure.

Kelly: Okay. Let's get the book and ask some other questions. Let's see, if you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

Kenietta: (One of the most polite girls on the team) I'd go to California Ms. Kelly. They don't got beaches like that in New Orleans.

Jamal: Miss Kelly, ya know where I'd go. HOOTERS!!!

The male mob exploded again, this time in chant. "Hooters! Hooters! Hooters!" As Kelly tried to explain the way Hooters positions the role of woman, the chants grew louder.

Kelly's glare pierced my soul. I hit the heat to level 5.

For the duration of the twenty minute ride from Metterie back to our campus in New Orleans the riot continued on and off.

Q: If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life...?

A: Chicken wings...from Hooters!

Q: What would be your ideal job?

A: A manager somewhere....at Hooters!

Getting A Job

So I haven't written in this blog for awhile. I define 'awhile' here by 7 months.

Let me catch you all up to speed. 

My life for the past 10 months prior November: traveling the country performing service work, such as re-building homes in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, and educating inner city kids. 

My life for the past 2 months post November: listening to saxophone riffs of Disney songs in Panera Bread - my asylum away from home and parents. Currently playing: "I Can Go The Distance", from Hercules. Points for job hunting inspiration.

I wonder if Hercules ever had trouble finding a job in an economic recession. Okay, being half God is always a good business to get into. And would probably be that much more lucrative in harsh financial times, as crime is usually higher and Hercules was always known for purging towns of villains. 

But what would happen if the town could no longer afford to provide Hercules with slabs of meat and grape feeding mistresses. He might have to start exaggerating and inflating his 'good deed' numbers. Eventually people would invest more 'stock' (see: grain and daughters) in him, and when they find out he's a hack, it would be to late. The myth of Hercules would already be collapsed... hundreds of towns people counting on him would be fucked. Hercules would become Enron.

So while at Panera Bread I was chatting with my friend online, lets call her, Katie Mary. The conversation was again about possible career routes. 

Dan: So do you like working on political campaigns?

Katie: So much fun, I love it. I even met one of my best friends on a campaign.

Dan: You sound like you're doing an infomercial testimony. 

Katie: Ha.

Dan: I wonder if I could just get a job working infomercials. Like find out what products are coming out, try them and then contact the companies  and explain how much I love what their product has done for me. Then star in the infomercials. Except I think they just call those actors.

Katie: They do. I know some. Sort of.  

Warning: Blog entries will become more cynical as unemployment lingers. (See: Earlier dated purpose-filled blogs)